I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!