I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
how to have an accident 101
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.