I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
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Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Friends that check up on you >
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“I’m helping” 😅
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.