I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT