@JKNenagh: I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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@Playing_Dad: Boss: Did you bring the reports? Me: Hold on. *reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers* Boss: I resign. You're the boss now.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?