I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.