I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
damn he’s good
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*