I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
You Might Also Like
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
What a chick magnet..
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.