I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
i wish we could shoplift online
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps