I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.