I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
back to work
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot