I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Covid like
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?