I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO