I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
The smoothest fall of all time
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners