I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You Might Also Like
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Worth a try
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.