I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
That eye roll….
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.