I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.