my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Oh. My. God.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.