@CubanaMama82: I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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@krissywillbretz: A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout "HOLE!" after every chorus of "Glory, Glory, Glory".
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't