I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me