I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.