@SgtButtCheeks: I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time
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@pplwtching: Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
@SwartyComedy: If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
@somecleverthing: Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks "wanna hear something amazing?"
@rolldiggity: 1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom. 2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..." 3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.