If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family