@alliejane_508: I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.
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@floydimus: "I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!" Brain: LOL Empty bottles: LOL Wine shop owner: LOL New bottle: LOL Bottle opener: LOL Liver: LOL Me: LOL
@squirrel74wkgn: [cat mom giving birth] Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit- WHAT THE, twins! OMG triplets...holy shit, 4? (sweating)...5? WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
@trishm426: Hey kids, please don't wash the 13 glasses you've already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you're thirsty.
@AndyAsAdjective: The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.