I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there