happy mother’s day❤️
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule