My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me checking my bank balance online.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!