people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.