I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
just witnessed a drug deal
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.