I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.