There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Twitter fine art
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”