Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
stand with me against insufficient seating