I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Bless you
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.