i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You Might Also Like
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My dad teaching me to drive
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.