@jonnysun: i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was "cool. that bird makes more money than me"
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@77StephanieG77: Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much
@__MICHAELJ0RDAN: Its like they say, don't judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.
@AnOrangeSNES: *Leans head up to wife as I'm dying* Me: My only regret is... *Coughs loudly* Me: ...not having something cooler to say as I die. *Dies*
@Marlebean: Oops, I "accidentally" left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I'll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.