i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage