I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Croquettes are not female crocodiles