I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.