I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..