I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes