I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.