I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I can fix him.