Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Plant care tips
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.