I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My dating profile:
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor