I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I am also baked goods
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”