I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???