I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.