I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
This line from Airplane.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich