I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
You Might Also Like
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.