@jus4golf: I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn't.
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@tastefactory: I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
@OutOfLeftField_: I told someone my name and they said, "That's unusual. You don't hear that every day." Actually, I do.
@InternetHippo: 911 OPERATOR (female): What’s your emergency GUY (being murdered): Haha nothing what are you up to
@spicy_peen: What medications do I take? I'm not sure. The names on my neighbor's prescription bottles are ridiculously long