I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
You Might Also Like
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min