I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
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Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
haha same
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
found this cool rock hiking today
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*