Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My boss called in sick of me