I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.